no point in being obtuse

as this semester is coming to an end, i think i would like to take time to reflect and come to a conclusion.
although this semester i may seem to be the most down
but i think it is my most enriching semester in terms of life.
because of the warped timetable, i had so much time to think about everything, everyone, every aspect.
about life, love, past, family, my actions, religion, me, my friends, my experiences overseas etc. it is an everything concept. if u ask me what i cant tell you specifically what was so overwhelming.
through thinking , i realised many things in this semester which made me lost and sad and down and maybe scared afraid angsty disappointed sometimes leaving me so disoriented. it is like to a point where i hated myself for losing control of my emotions or just hated having so much to be lost about. it was always normal and downs, not ups and downs, but now i have decided i have come to a point in my head where although nothing much is changed or solved, but i have more clarity of thoughts and strength to move on.
hence i am able to even write about my emotions, i havent been doing that for like forever. i am just too lost, even to myself, and sorry everyone for all the times since i am back when i have been so down and angsty unlike in the past
forget all that happened, i think i have grown up and learnt most in this year than ever. and i can say this is the happiest year of my life. also in discovery, to discover the world and also to discover myself.
last month after an incident which made me feel really bad about myself, being rejected to donate blood because of some foolish things i did, i decided to just live, love and give.
now my new life motto is to have a "happy healthy heart"
to start being happy again and not be always foolish and blinded by things of the world, look at how fortunate i already am and work on it, not dwell on the lost things.
and healthy, not take the wrong stuff and go to amore to exercise.
in this year's journey of discovery i was lost so many times and i strayed away but now to think back i am very thankful of what have been given to me.


All the people these 21 years of my little life.


my family, through it all has been there for me wherever i am. they feel like a constant, where i am i know they exist for me and when i am home i know they are always there with their unchanging care and concern. things and people may have changed and moved 8 months ahead for me since i left and i come back to where they have abandoned 8 months ago and found them ahead of me, living already different lives. but my family, i could be gone forever and still know everything is the same. and for that i am very thankful. the most giving parents who are so funny and hip. and the very understanding sister who is supportive and nice


my friends in singapore, the friends who welcomed me back with open arms and are ever willing to listen to what happened and accept me no matter how different i may seem to be. i always thought things have changed and i cannot squeeze myself in back into their lives, not realising that i may seemed to have changed more to them, just because i was away. and now i am really grateful that i am sill being accepted back even though i left. and am sorry for ever feeling scared about losing the friendships and not daring to go back. i was being just too in my own world. i have friends who are so accepting and understanding and supportive i cant even thank them enough. i love them so much and i know i would have been so much worse if not for them.


especially thanks to these important people in my life now,
to rushan, yunxi and lyn, i am so glad to meet them again after so long, i thought i lost them but i am glad they would have me back again and especially rs my cf who means so much to me has been my support since like i started knowing what friendship was. ly and her are my first real friends in this world and i am so happy to be around her since forever. always brings me back the good memories in nygh, sa, rj and up to now ntu. and shuyan and pris for always being around always through it all showing genuine care and concern. xiaoyi and huixin of course, always so sweet and thinking of me and for me. zhi leezah hui whom i am so glad for, who understands that everyone is different and tells me her stuff so that i can also share with her mine. caixin who will always be there for me, who will do anything with me i suggest, i am so grateful. jessica who gives me really wise advice, telling me to not wallow in self pity, i think she was the one who gave me the courage to scold myself to move forward. belicia and debbie who i no longer am neighbours with but still meet me for classes when i am alone and sit with me and welcome me to stay in their hall if i need a bed. bel who has been a supportive and optimistic support and debbie who has been there for me, during my down times before i left for milan, to wait and go out after the exams just to accompany me. and shufang whom i confided in yesterday, thanks for listening. and joyce my milan roomate who can feel me. especially nicholas and xin who are amazing, mia amores, la mia fratello e la mia figa, mille baci e abbracci per loro.


my church, fellowship people who have such great love to accept me back however broken i am. despite me being lost for 9 years, not involved, stuck in my own world. yet they are so welcoming, so willing to guide me back to the right path. thank you kaien for meeting me for kickboxing and also for the concern support, really glad we can talk and share. and to wenjun who is so friendly and helpful, if she didnt initiate to talk to me on msn last year i may still have been afraid to go back to yf, she was the starting point where i felt concern. to huilin who understands me and really really helps me, she is so much better than she knows and she should know, shes awesome. ivy who listened to my issue in the past and prayed for me. to the others too, to the brothers too, just like in the skit. rebecca for being so nice and open and funny. michael who always msges to remind me to read the bible. weiyang, yijie and the others, who are happy to welcome me back to sing, not forcing me to stop despite my imperfections.


my friends overseas, maria paula who is my support always i cant do without her, who listens to everything i have to say, my problems, my complaints, my joy, my silly stuff and makes me happy love u. mariana whom i love so much i wish she is here with me. orlando who is gone, but he gave me good memories which i think will last a long time. gullis, who is always so happy she creates happiness. maria antonia, so nice and wise it would be so nice to have her in singapore. lina, te extrano. and saiko in japan-kizuna, we had the most crazy and awesome times, little alcoholic. chul jung oppa who is my listening ear the whole time in milan, i am so sad he is not a singaporean, he should migrate here. and sean who cooked am dong jim tak for my birthday, is so sweet. jin, i miss her so much, she is a powerful woman whom i need to guide me in my life! claudia in lisboa who is so much of a friend to me, who i feel like is a sister to me. the people in usa whom i once worked with like carlos, edgar and leah, they are so simple and so carefree, although i dont talk to them anymore, they are inspiration to me. Apichai in thailand, whom i miss, he is so funny. Monique, my penpal of many years whom i met this summer. Maria Barisano who tells me so many things, who inspires me and cornelia who is so sweet and nice.


my singaporean friends overseas, hongmin, sijia, jerm, carmen, janice, huiyi, meow, limmyen, khailin, eexiu, shuzhen, eggy, who i always keep in mind and wait for them to come back.


my friends' mums
xiaoyi's mum and dad and tanxuan's mum who have been my guidance.

and other friends and colleagues and even random strangers in my life, the photocopying lady in ntu, i have seen her for like 3 years lol and the canteen vendors and everyone who make my life what it is.
and other friends whom i may not see as much,
fiona, jay foo, karen in uni whom although i see once in forever, i know i just need to call and they will still answer to my needs and i will still answer to their needs. my other hall friends kasim, wei an, cherryn, jasmine, chengboon, weixin whom i may not talk to much now but had made the last 2 years of my life in hall so much easier and exciting. chaeyun so simple yet happy and christian like, an inspiration.michael and ray who are super busy but are my bros. and others who i know are just busy with their lives, stuck or something, but i will see them maybe in the future. my some project group mates who are there with me to live through hell. tanxuan my ex roomie whom i havent seen for so long, but i always will care for and think of. treasure who is really busy. changd. linghui, my roomie in the second year, we had ups and downs but i always still wish her well, it was an awesome time we had in hall. jianing , yining and kelly who are so funny when we did our hr together. rj people and nygh people who created best times. everyone i met during my travels this year in milan, italy, england, belgium, holland, germany, greece, portugal, spain, sweden, france, turkey.


people have so much to give and so much to offer
and i am so indebted to them.
how could i lose faith in humanity
how could i, but feel happy again.
the past is something to always cherish and remember, to learn and grow. we can never go back in time.
i want to start living again, to live happily to live the present. to have the right focus and choose the right path.
and the future, like maria paula said, "it's in God's hands, what can get wrong?"


i am going to live and think like when i was this young again,
embrace the world.